So I guess everyone who told me that our relationship would lead to her trying to kill herself for cheating on her husband, that she'd be depressed, that our friendship would turn into nothing but coworkers, or that it would lead to us not having any contact period...say it..."I told you so." Any of you who had little part any of those events occurring. You won.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Anger? No, not really anymore. I was for a little bit tonight at some point. Relieved? It seems wrong to feel relieved when my closest friend says she's done. No texting, calling, hanging out, myspace, anything. I feel a little bit relieved but...why? It really doesn't seem right to have that emotion at this time though at 2am I suppose anything can be felt. Sad, anxious, nervous, exhausted, numb. Numb definitely wins out right now I think. After everything being done or said tonight I think numb fits just right. I don't think I could cry anymore. I've done plenty of that and not even all of it about her. More about my girlfriend. Just worries and fears I suppose. Numb. I should get some sleep but I'm not ready to. Especially since I know she's outside sleeping in her car outside my apartment. She won't go to his house and she can't come in here since we're not having contact. She's getting her stuff later today. Like her furniture and whatever else. I've found a couple things that I know I'll give back and things that I don't think I should. And one item that I'm sure she wants badly but I won't give it to her. Her x-acto knife that she liked to use to cut herself. I already moved this to a location where she won't find it in case she wants to look for it.

Just numb. Disbelief. Yes. I don't think I ever thought it would ever really reach this point. Ya we had our stupid fights about this and that but always came back to each other. But I don't think there's a coming back this time. She wants to go and not look back. I guess not working with me anymore will help with that. Fuck. I really can't help but sit here and think...is it really done? After all these months where apparently it was one sided. Really? It turned into her really meaning that she gave too much because she gave her whole heart. I had at one point but I closed myself off again. Part of my fears about stuff with my actual relationship.

I think, maybe, it is ok to feel somewhat relieved. Like a weight off my shoulders. *sigh* I just don't know.

I'm just thinking back now on how the night had been going well and then it completely turned because I asked a simple question.

Fuck it. It's done. Enough thinking. Enough bullshit. I need my 4 and a half hours of sleep. ...And she just drove off. Nice timing...I guess.